01 October 2009

I certainly never thought I'd have to deal with this. I'm not a night owl! I'm a morning person--the kind who enjoys bounding outa bed and charging forward into the new day, ready to take on whatever comes. But DEPRESSION--nope, I never saw that coming. And with it, loss of sleep. This is not helpful for one whose immune system has the nerve to be suppressed. No sleep, bugs / bacteria on sightseeing tours, and overwhelming feelings of lack / worthlessness (world-wise, not Christ-like wise) really do a number on one! ... I finished perusing my niece's blog wherein a couple of comments made were dead-on: She pondered, "when are we going to feel safe enough to peel back our layers and admit we need help?" Scary thing, allowing one's self to be vulnerable. She also commented how interesting it is to see that, while most things change over time, some things remain. With regard to her latter comment, I recently read (courtesy The FlyLady's book, Reducing your Body Clutter) The FLY Lady likened people who choose to do nothing and remain glued to the past are no better than Perfectionists (also a sin) because they selfishly think / act in the vein that, "if I can't be as good as or better than X was, I'm not going to do it (now)." - Well, by not acknowledging events / feelings, learning to understand and letting them go, we automatically ADD personal body and home clutter.

18 March 2009

Marking Time

How can it be possible that my handsome, slender nephew is a quarter-of-a-century old today?! This sweet bass-voiced boy has turned the age I was when he was born! So how is it that inside I do not feel a smidgeon older than that all-assuming, well-rounded mark of 25?

I pass by the mirror and see time has taken its toll: my hair now sports slivers of silver that I have to "touch up" every so often; my lenses in the "no-line" glasses now frustrate my so-called "mature" eyes - especially while trying to read grocery store products on high and low shelves; and my brain holds much more than it did when I was merely a quarter-of-a-century old.

Not all of the knowledge upstairs is wonderful, happy, or positive - yet it remains. Perhaps such knowledge and experience hold some good in them ... though I've yet to be convinced of such, as once again, this quarter-of-a-century later, I find myself at a crossroad of time. When I was the age my sweet nephew is today, it felt my whole world had been shattered and lay in shards about my feet. Yet, somehow I survived.

Today, however, these 25 years later, I find myself at another crossroads. The darkness envelops me and I feel more lost, more uncertain about who and what I am, of less worth and little confidence. So what is to become of me? (Even as I typed this query my gut wrenches: it hates the unknown.) Though I have no specifics, I have learned this: To see one's futures, one must do nothing more than press forward with faith. Faith that things will take a turn. Faith that with God, nothing is impossible. Faith that there really is something more. Herbert Spencer said, The wise man must remember that, while he is a descendant of the past, he is a parent of the future. And Samuel Johnson wrote, The future is purchased by the present. Even though I feel less sure of what my future holds today, at least I have the assurance that the decisions I'm making now to improve myself and better my life will bring positive results.

If this keeps up, my 75th year will be a real humdinger! But I'm determined to survive that, as well.

Thrice Bitten

Today I had my first shot in more than twenty years. You know the kind - "drop your drawers and bend over, honey" ... (At least it wasn't the expected, "This won't hurt a bit" routine.) I was more surprised than I expected I would be when the doc said double dose antibiotics and a shot. (irk!)

I waited and waited for the nurse to come in and do the dirty deed and had even found my longest, sharpest fingernail with which I would dig into my hand as a distraction from the almost-certain pain yet to come. I could hear them making their lunch plans outside the door -- it was barely 11 o'clock! (grr ... Don't you hate it when you're the customer and the help is focused on personal stuff instead of doing their jobs and assisting you?) I began rationalizing in my head to remain calm, the nurse popped her head in the door and apologized for the delay. That's when I learned that the prescribed shot was a special kind she had to mix from a powder prior to injecting (irk!) and she was off, walking quickly down the hall, shaking the bottle as she went.

Funny how just her small moment of common courtesy changed everything! Suddenly, my growing animosity turned to understanding and empathy. How thoughtful of her to tell me the reason for the delay. What a positive difference that small courtesy made for us both and my overall experience! (From the first time I met this good doctor and his nurse, I have been impressed by their comeraderie, demeanor, courtesy, and humor, not only shared within their staff but that they extend to all of their clients, as well.

There is precious little in this world today that doesn't add unnecessary stress to us, due to the lack of consideration one demonstrates for another's feelings, efforts, and/or time (which is just as precious as his own). How fortunate I am to have found these esteemed qualities in my health care professionals.